Lara Croft's Diary
by Sweet Christabel
Summary: Tomb Raider 3 written Bridget Jones style.
1. Croft Manor

Disclaimer: Don't own Tomb Raider or Bridget Jones's Diarybut I had fun manipulating them.

Secret Diary of Lara Croft. If you touch it you will be stabbed violently with a fork.

1:00pm – Am bored. Have done assault course five times. All Winston does is waddle around with tea tray. Have managed to get through two boxes of ammo on target range. Targets looking right state. Bits of target all over lawn. Will do quad biking now.

1:30pm – Have made a bit of a mess of quad bike. V. muddy. Will leave it for Winston to clean.

1:31pm – Cannot help but feel this is a bit mean though.

1:32 pm – Will clean it myself.

2:00pm – Need to order groceries from shop. Will write post-it note and leave it on desk in hope that Winston will see it.

2:05pm – Think will have shower, then change clothes.

2:30pm – Hair has gone wild. Is all spiky because self abandoned it to clean pistols. Is not own fault that pistols were dirty.

2:31pm – Actually probably was.

2:33pm – Will attend to hair.

2:45pm – Hair is now in braid, but still looks spiky. Noticed Winston smirk as walked by. Cannot sufficiently raid tombs if hair is wild and all over face. Will not be able to see mummies properly. Think will –

3:00pm – Was telephone. Jean-Yves calling from Alexandria. He's found interesting artefact for me to find. Am going to India. Will leave tomorrow.

3:05pm – Must cancel milk.

3:20pm – Think will go and research artefact.

4:00pm – Artefact is called Infada Stone. Is unique. Think will donate it to British Museum.

4:10pm – Hope Alex West does not turn up. Always turns into competition. Not good for average Tomb Raider.


	2. India

India.

11:00am (India time) – Is v. humid here.

11:25am – Just spent ages climbing up over obstruction in hope will find something interesting on other side. All found was great big mudslide. Hmm.

12:30 pm – Just stopped for quick break. Found more mud and river full of piranha. Not looking good. Find it hard to believe Infada artefact is around here.

2:10pm – Gaaaah! Bloody monkey's just bitten me on leg. Have stopped to use supplies from medical kit.

2:11pm – Shot monkey of course.

2:30pm – Have discovered tiger. Or rather, it discovered me.

3:00pm – Have escaped tigers and found ruins of temple. Is good progress.

3:30pm – Surely is not natural for Shiva to come alive and attack self.

3:45pm – Bloody mud.

4:10pm – Have borrowed quad bike. Have not found artefact yet. Hope is worth it. Found v. strange man called Tony. Think he is following me.

4:35pm – Have left quad bike behind. Cannot return it now. Oh well.

5:05pm – Have found some caves. Think am getting close now.

5:30pm – This is v. confusing. All tunnels look the same.

5:31pm – Could do with sandwich and coffee.

5:50pm – Just defeated v. strange creature that Tony turned into. Think it might have been something he ate.Fortunately when was over, found artefact. Is v. pretty. Green with white markings. Not quite sure what it's supposed to be though. Need to go home now so can –

6:10pm – Was interrupted by sound of boat on River Ganges. Went to have look. Was v. polite Scottish man called Dr Willard. He claims that the Infada artefact isn't unique, but that there are three more like it. At first was not optimistic. According to research, Infada Stone was unique. Now have been proved wrong. How embarrassing. He also said that they were first discovered by sailors on the HMS Beagle. Charles Darwin's ship. Anyway, must go home to pack for the desert. Am going to Nevada. Have been hired to find other three artefacts. Starting in Nevada then am going to South Pacific, then London. Sounds like fun.


	3. Nevada

Nevada Desert.

10:00am (Nevada time) – Is v. hot and dusty here. Also is covered with snakes. Must be careful where tread from now on. Sky is bright blue though. Makes nice change from grey.

10:05am – Gaaaah! Was just making way across mountain ridge, minding own business when bloody jet fighter zooms over head.

10:10am – Am wearing new combat trousers. So far v. comfortable.

10:11am – Nice shade of blue too.

10: 13am – Am also wearing red bootlaces. Think it works nicely with rest of outfit.

10:15am – Have been told to find Area 51. Should be interesting trying to get in. Can't see similarities between Infada artefact and Area 51, but Willard is v. confident that that's where the next artefact is. Apparently am looking for Element 115.

10:30am – Have found canyon. Think am close by.

10:35am – Fun. Have waterfall to scale. Will be nice and cool up there. Is v. hot.

10:36am – Wonder if am getting tan.

10:38am – Feel like fly on wall.

10:39am – Reminds me of poem: Little fly on the wall, Ain't you got no sense at all? Can't you see that wall's been plastered? Now you're stuck you stupid fly.

12:00noon – Ouch! Was just keeping look out for eagles and walked straight into cactus.

12:20pm – Have found detonator and detonator key. Maybe can get out of canyon by blowing hole in rock.

12:30pm – Think can safely say that works. Blew bigger hole than expected.

12:45pm – Have found two small compounds. (Not compound as in two elements combined together, a building.) Also have found that fence is electric. Have no way to get in. Maybe if look around a bit will find way to climb rocks.

1:05pm – Have made rather painful jump over fence into smallest compound. (Found water tower to jump off.) Am going to attempt to turn off electricity.

1:30pm – Electricity off. Also have found quad bike. Have decided to use bike to jump over fence into bigger compound.

1:31pm – Maybe this is bad idea.

1:32pm – Nah.

4:25pm – Ouch. Head really hurts. Made jump with quad bike successfully, but managed to fall off and knock self out when landed. V. clever. Pistols and flares have been taken. Damn.

4:30pm – Wonder if can escape out of window.

5:00pm – When climbed up on windowsill, triggered beam with legs and guard ran in. Managed to run out and let all other prisoners out too. Was amusing. Being thugs, prisoners beat guards to pulp. Knew they could not be all bad. Am now going to attempt complete jailbreak.

5:10pm – Have found way to get into ventilation shaft. Told inmates to stay put and promised to get them out soon. Now better do it or will also be beaten to pulp.

5:15pm – Found interesting button on wall. Pushed it, then had to battle guard. Luckily had pushed button to let prisoners out, and they came to help. Searched guard and found Security Pass. Am now going to have fun going through doors am not supposed to.

5:20pm – Ooh. Have found toilets.

5:30pm – Gaaaah! Have flooded toilets.

5:45pm – Am going to try to find pistols before finding Area 51.

6:00pm – Where are pistols?

6:10pm – Still cannot find pistols.

6:20pm – Where are bloody pistols?

6:30pm – Ah. Found them. Also found handy Desert Eagle.

6:45pm – Have overheard conversation. Truck full of boxes is being taken to Area 51. Will hitch ride in truck.

6:50pm – Truck is behind locked gate. Need Security Pass. Left last one in door. Do not have time to go back for it. Need to hijack another guard.

7:05pm – Have opened gate and am in truck on way to Area 51. Found much-needed drink.

7:30pm – Am now at Area 51. Will find Element 115.

7:35pm – Wonder if rumours about UFO are true.

7:40pm – Can't believe it. Have found MP5. This is v. good assault rifle. Am taking this home.

7:45pm – Keep having to stop guards from reaching alarms. If alarm goes off, will be v. hard to get to artefact.

8:00pm – Ooh. Have found rocket room.

8:15pm – Wow. Have found UFO. Rumours were true. Wonder if have time to have close up look.

8:17pm – Will have close up look. Willard will never know, and still have plenty of time to find Element 115.

8:30pm – Have launched rocket in rocket room. Wonder if really should have done that.

8:45pm – This is taking ages.

9:00pm – Have opened up UFO. Now am going to –

9:05pm – Had some guards to dispose of. Now am going to look inside saucer.

9:10pm – I don't believe it! Artefact is in here! Now am going to get out of here. Wonder if am allowed to take UFO for test run.


	4. South Pacific Islands

South Pacific Islands.

9:00am (South Pacific time) – Phew. And I thought Nevada was hot. Is boiling. Did not get much of tan in Nevada, but might here. Am wearing v. short shorts and sports top.

9:05am – Is nice here. White sand, blue water. Wish had time to sunbathe.

9:15am – Have two routes can go here. Wonder which one should take. Am looking for Temple of Puna. This time am looking for Ora Dagger. Wonder if is actual dagger or just symbol.

9:17am – Have decided to take more outdoor route.

9:20am – Wow. Have found v. beautiful waterfall and lagoon. Will write this down for holiday list.

9:32am – Have found interesting red stone. Am going to translate markings.

9:34am – Is called Serpent Stone. Apparently have to find three.

9:45am – Found second one. (Was behind waterfall. V. nice to go and get as is so hot.)

9:55am – Have found last Serpent Stone. Also have found place to put them all. Must put them in fixtures and hopefully doors will open.

10:00am – Has worked!

10:07am – Gaaaah! Am being blown poison darts at. Got one in leg and disposed of bloke firing them. Now feel sick.

10:10am – Feel better after using special anti-poison spray. Jean-Yves created it because of scorpions in Egypt. Works v. well. Will tell him so when get home.

10:20am – Have found interesting tree house. Will look in there later. Want to explore more of village first.

10:45am – Found injured man. Something ate his leg. Is enough to turn anyone vegetarian. Felt should help, but he wanted to stay put. Is fine with me. Cannot find artefact with him limping after me. Offered to direct his men away though. Apparently they crashed here. May be able to find supplies in aircraft. Am getting bit peckish. Remembered swamp down below and asked whether he knew where to stand without falling in. He gave me v. handy map. Am going to see whether it's right.

10:50am – Am on other side of swamp. Luckily map was correct. Did not even get boots muddy.

11:05am – Have found crash site.

11:10am – Gaaah! Was just walking through mist when got attacked by, (get this), a raptor. Where in the name of Infada did that come from? Was v. surprised to see it. Think may have come to wrong island. Seem to be in Jurassic Park instead.

11:20am – Found two of bloke's men battling with more raptors. Helped them out and directed them to North Shore. Am being helpful Tomb Raider.

11:35am – Just fed piranhas without meaning to. Shot at raptor and it fell into stream.

11:40am – At least keeps fish busy.

11:55am – Have found body. Looks like was the raptors that killed him. Searched body and found wallet and key. Kept key but put wallet back. Wallet said Lieutenant Tuckerman. Obviously was one of bloke's men.

12:05pm – Have spotted soldier. Not sure who's side he's on yet.

12:10pm – Have now found Commander Bishop. (More wallet checking.) He also had key which went to join the other one in backpack.

12:12pm – Gaaaah! Oh my dear God, and arse. Definitely think am in Jurassic Park. Am facing large as life T-Rex!

12:23pm – Phew. Managed to open gates and soldier and raptors came down to help. Soldier got eaten at once, but it was in a good cause. Raptors helped a lot. Left them to it and ran. Do not fancy becoming T-Rex dinner.

12:45pm – Have managed to get inside aircraft. There was even a raptor in here. Would like to know where they are all coming from.

12:47pm – Have used Lieutenant Tuckerman and Commander Bishop's keys in cockpit. Have turned power on.

12:50pm – Have come across yet another battle between man and raptor. Helped.

12:55pm – Met v. strange tribesman as was walking through room. Think he was going to eat me. Put him off by saying how hungry I was. Was sort of threat that he might get eaten himself. But would never, ever, ever eat fellow human being. Found some interesting carvings though.

1:00pm – Have found river in gorge. Is v. rough. Will be good when come back here to white water raft. Have written it on list. Think will not go in to swim. Might kill self on rocks. Do not like idea.

1:10pm – Have to be careful while climbing rocks here. If slip and fall in river will die.

Do not want to die. Have not found Ora Dagger yet.

1:20pm – Ooh! Have found kayak. Is carved with symbols so must belong to tribesmen. Think they will not mind if it was borrowed for little while.

1:30pm – Am in large cavern-type place. Is chilly down here. Was wild ride down rapids. V. good fun.

1:31pm – But must remember am working.

1:33pm – Hmm. Is interesting plug in middle of pool. Wonder if that will provide exit. Cannot get out and look properly, because will be eaten by piranhas. Think will find quiet place to 'park' kayak and look around on foot. Rocks do not look v. hard to climb.

1:35pm – Found nice pool to leave kayak in. Unfortunately there is crocodile in it. Will use harpoon gun. Do not think eviction notice will help.

1:36pm – Croc disposed of. Am going to take look around.

1:45pm – Have found switch inside small room which pulled plug out of pool. Now will go and collect kayak and see what's underneath this cavern.

1:55pm – Whoa! Was manic ride down anti-plug-hole-created whirlpool. Now am in small shallow pool with crocs. Found switch which opened exit

2:00pm – Have found Temple of Puna. Am wet and is cold here. Wish was back on beach. Am v. near to artefact now. Temple has same atmosphere as saucer in Area 51 and Caves of Kaliya in India.

2:05pm – Have couple of tribesmen shooting poison darts again.

2:08pm – Disposed of them. Did not get hit this time.

2:11pm – Wonderful. Have found room with end-to-end line of rolling blades. Does not look good. Perhaps can duck underneath axle.

2:12pm – Actually do not want to risk that. Think may get head chopped off.

2:15pm – Have managed to pull three switches in here so far. Think may have one more to do. Have found that if stand in corner, blades just miss me.

2:27pm – Done it! Have opened door. Now will make way down slope.

2:30pm – Just when began to think was out of the woods, came to small, dark room with three switches and a spiked ceiling which started to come down as soon as was inside. Would have come to v. sticky end if had not pulled out box. Spikes got stuck there and could go no further. Am v. pleased with self for using initiative so quickly.

2:32pm – Switches opened door. Now am in large room facing boulder. Think it will roll down in a minute.

2:35pm – Have pulled yet another switch.

2:36pm – Is strange that rock has not –

2:40pm – Had to sprint for it, because rock started to roll.

2:45pm – Came through door into similar room. Second rock began to roll as soon as was in room. Ran for end of room and made it safely.

2:50pm – Am in same room that started out in. Gate down small passage way has now opened. Think will find artefact down here.

3:00pm – Was confronted by Puna. Fortunately when got rid of him could find Ora Dagger. (Is not actual dagger after all. Just lizard shaped thing.) Now must find way out and go to London.


	5. London

London. 

6:30pm (London time) – Is dark already. And raining. Hope will find artefact quickly. Is called Eye of Isis. Willard has no idea where it is. Have been wondering around city since

8:30 this morning. Hope this is worth it. Am v. interested to see what Willard wants with all these artefacts.

6:35pm – Am near the Thames. So far catsuit is holding out v. well waterproof-wise.

6:40pm – Wonder if artefact is in Thames.

6:45pm – Gaaaah! Got attacked by dog. It was jumping around the whole time while trying to bite self. Think was ex-circus dog. Must remember that if am chased by one must not run up and down a see-saw or jump through a hoop of fire, because they're really good at that.

7:00pm – Hate dogs. When someone tells you a dog's bark is worse than their bite, they're lying. Nobody ever had to go to hospital and have 25 stitches in their leg because a dog made a loud growling noise at them.

7:10pm – Aldwych station is closed again. Noticed that most of rats that were bothering me a minute ago are heading in there. Think will investigate it.

7:20pm – Have found water control room. There are two tanks. One is full of water, the other one isn't. Can see hallway in side of empty tank, but cannot reach it. Wonder if should fill empty tank with water.

7:25pm – Done. Pulled switch in now full tank and headed back to the control room.

7:30pm – Have managed to get to hallway.

7:40pm – Have found way to get into Aldwych station. Is through roof, but should be OK. From here can see guard by way in. Will have to get rid of him. Wonder who he's working for.

7:50pm – Done it. Was actually quite funny. Entrance to station is in bell tower, so after brief fight with guard, and information gathering, made him walk backward until bell hit him and sent him flying over roofs. Think he will land in river. Asked him who he was working for. Was v. strange. He said Miss Sophia Lee and then said that his father and grandfather had worked for her too. Weirdest thing is he said she was only in her late 20's or early 30's. Is worth investigating. Am going to look for her.

7:55pm – Am inside station. Was high fall from roof, but fortunately rainwater had made pool in which could land safely.

8:00pm – Station is deserted except for strange men in masks. (Not Slipknot.)

8:10pm – Can now confirm that workmen have gone home. Found massive hole in floor leading to railway line. Picked up key to maintenance room. Think maintenance room is on other side of hole. Will have to jump for it.

8:15pm – Have disposed of trouble on platform and turned on lights. After search of area found old penny. Not sure what am supposed to do with it but will keep it anyway.

8:20pm – Have been looking around. Seems like only place can go is down onto railway line through hole in floor. Must be careful not to electrocute self on line.

8:21pm – Have spotted door in side of wall. Will make way there carefully.

8:23pm – Gaaaah! Was just walking towards door when saw lights approaching. Was train! Thought trains would not be working here. Just made it through door, but was bit of shock.

8:30pm – Is full of people trying to attack me. Do not even have time to talk, just have to attack in self-defence.

8:45pm – Have spoken with man who knows Sophia Lee. He also wore a mask. He seems to be leader of all masked people. He said that Sophia has been covering up her attempts at immortality products as a cosmetic company. The masked man said that he and all the other masked people had come to her looking for work, and she had used them for guinea pigs. The attempt failed on this occasion, and their faces were destroyed, hence why they wear the masks. After asking for help in finding Sophia, he said that if I find embalming fluid from the Natural History Museum, (I think he meant the British Museum), for them, he'd help. All the information about immortality products explains why the guard in the bell tower had his father and grandfather work for Sophia too. Is all starting to make sense. Right. Am off to Ludgate.

9:15pm – Have found embalming fluid, now am heading back to see masked man.

9:30pm – Have been directed down small passage. Unfortunately have ended up in water.

9:31pm – Again.

9:40pm – Have pulled series of switches. Now am making way past machinery.

9:45pm – Have found small space to crawl through. Think it leads to Sophia's office.

9:55pm – Was right. Confronted Sophia about masked men. She offered me a job. Said I was the perfect campaign for her products. Noticed she had Eye of Isis in a staff on her desk. Unfortunately, she grabbed it before I could and ran outside. Am now going to follow her.

10:00pm – Gaaaah! Had bad feeling about this. Now discovered Sophia's found out how to use artefact as weapon.

10:01pm – Am missing the News.

10:20pm – Have managed to climb up building. Now am hiding behind large pillar. Got clipped in arm by one of bolts from artefact. Hurts like hell, but cannot see any blood. Am crouching down here, but she is still firing. Think will stand up and see where –

10:21pm – Ouch! Attempted to stand up and hit head on fuse box.

10:22pm – Hey. Wonder if can use electricity to get artefact. Sophia's standing on metal walkway. Arm beginning to really throb now.

10:23pm – It worked! Unfortunately as have shot fuse box, cannot turn electricity off. Must find another way to reach artefact. Emergency switch is on other side of walkway.

10:30pm – Made it to other side and have turned off electricity. Found that if hold Eye of Isis up to arm, it feels better.

10:32pm – Arm healed now. V. strange. Must now pack for Antarctica. Will be v. v. cold.


	6. Antarctica

Antarctica.

2:00pm (Antarctica time) – This was bad start. Helicopter crashed down onto ice and sank. Pilot was killed, but luckily I managed to leap out. Made own way to inhabited area. Found large ship and a hut. Cannot get into hut, but knocked on door. Doesn't seem to be anyone in there. Also cannot get tan here.

2:15pm – Am going to look around boat. Am not sure exactly where Willard is.

2:20pm – Jacket v. good at keeping cold out. Am beginning to wish had worn gloves with fingers though.

2:25pm – Have found small boat which will be v. handy. Is too cold to swim for long.

2:30pm – Have piloted boat to open area near water gate. Am assuming that water gate way out.

2:37pm – Cannot believe my eyes. Just found something that looked like a cross between a human being and some sort of creature. Have just realised that Willard was talking about Darwin. Have suspicions that he is carrying out his own experiments about the evolution theory.

2:45pm – Have found crowbar. Should come in handy.

3:00pm – Have opened water gate and found small cabin. Think Willard is inside. Will confront him about experiments.

3:10pm – He went berserk. Admitted that he was carrying out experiments but then even had the nerve to say it was fascinating. Made quick decision not to hand over artefacts, but unfortunately he took them by force and escaped via a lift outside. Am now on the top of the lift. Must get artefacts back or God knows what he'll do.

3:20pm – Just ran into another sub-human. They are v. weird.

3:30pm – Have come to conclusion that taking mine cart would be quicker than walking.

3:50pm – Was right.

4:00pm – There are these strange mutant people everywhere.

4:10pm – Have found Lost City Tinnos. Have idea where Willard has gone. When first met him in India, he mentioned something about the Infada artefact being meteorite rock. There's a big meteorite cavern nearby. Am going to find it.

4:25pm – Is v. strange place. Do not like it v. much.

4:35pm – Have found an Oceanic Mask. Think will have to use it to get into meteorite cavern.

4:37pm – Oh. Will have to find four masks.

4:45pm – Have found another two masks. Realise that the areas in which am finding them are elements. First one was in the Earth area, second in the Wind area, and the third in the Water area. That leaves fire.

4:50pm – Have found last mask. Had to fight way through columns in lava to get to it.

5:00pm – Have managed to get all four masks into place, and get key. Now have found meteorite cavern. Should be interesting.

5:20pm – Phew. Am glad that's over. Ran down to cavern to see Willard standing facing green pool of fire. Suddenly large ball of meteorite rock floated out of it and hovered near ceiling. Noticed that artefacts were in fixtures on floor. Was about to climb down into cavern when got knocked off ledge by vibration. Willard turned and fell into pool before had chance to talk to him. Was a bit cheesed off by then so decided to collect artefacts and go home. Unfortunately was faced by Willard. Except he wasn't Willard anymore. He was an evolved Willard, which looked like huge spider-like creature. He began to come after me as I took evasive action and ran for it. Had no choice but to run around pool of fire and shoot at him when had the chance. When he collapsed, was time to get back what was mine. This was repeated until I had back all four artefacts. Then the floating ball of meteorite rock sank back into fire pool, and 'Willard' was vulnerable. When he went down there was massive burst of green light. Was quite firework show. Now am back on ledge that fell off when first came in here. Am going to see which is quickest way out.

5:30pm – Managed to find complex outside, and disposed of trouble. Found helicopter and took over controls. Willard's loyal workers fired machine guns, which was only too happy to destroy. Now am on my way home. Hope four artefacts will be comfortable in their new home. Have decided to keep hold of them as are dangerous when used together. Hope British Museum will understand.

5:31pm – Forgot. Must clean quad bike when get back.

5:32pm – Well, don't think job went too badly.


End file.
